( Meanwhile, back at the park... )

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I hate this show. I watch it, am greatly entertained by it, and hate it with every fiber of my being. I’m a hypocrite, I know. But I have reasons. Reasons for watching it, and reasons for hating it. I’ll cover why I hate it first. It’s more important and, further, the reason I’m writing this. Because I just finished watching the first episode of season 8, and I’m pissed.

First off, what they’re doing on that show? It isn’t ‘getting into shape’. It’s a dangerous – DANGEROUS – combination of crash dieting and overexertion. These are people who have admitted to being completely sedentary for at least a few years, and they’re immediately thrown into back-breaking, in-your-face, don’t-stop-don’t-quit-don’t-breathe gym circuits that I’m guessing even some more athletic people would have serious trouble with.

People go to the hospital on this show, and it’s considered an example of how out of shape they are. It has nothing to do with that, and everything to do with the show’s methods themselves. I’m frankly startled more people haven’t died. They have a guy with Type 2 diabetes busting his ass and sweating up a storm – are they monitoring his blood sugar 24/7? Cause I didn’t see them check it once. I expected his blood sugar to bottom out or peak while I was watching.

Second, and I’m putting this in all caps because it’s important that you pay attention to it, 20 POUNDS OF WEIGHT LOSS IN ONE WEEK IS NOT “AWESOME”. IT IS NOT “EXEMPLARY”. IT IS UNHEALTHY.

There was a girl on the Pink Team in episode one who only lost 6 pounds in the first week. ONLY! She was practically crying because she had let her team mate down. Six pounds in a week is great. It’s realistic, and it’s certainly healthier than the 28 pounds her team mate lost.

They don’t go by body fat percentages. They don’t do BMIs. All The Biggest Loser cares about is Total Body Weight lost. Which is wrong. It’s just idiotic. Muscle weighs more than fat. These people need to build muscle and lose fat. Yes, they have a lot of fat to lose, so obviously that would come first, and it isn’t a muscle building show. But they’re working their asses off, with kettlebells and truck tires and treadmills and god knows what else, and they’re gonna build muscle as they burn fat. But the way the show is set up, they’re penalized for gaining muscle.

So, The Biggest Loser sucks, right? There is nothing redeeming about it.

Wrong. There’s this:

I’m a horrible, shallow lesbian who can’t take a firm moral stand on a show that deserves it, and I know it. But have you seen her abs?

It’s easy once you understand it. It can be applied to almost every bad sci-fi movie – and even some good ones. For instance, I explained the formula to Evan, and Evan immediately fitted it to the GI Joe universe. Don’t ask me why that’s where her brain went first.

First and absolutely, positively most important, you have to have Exemplary Man. Exemplary Man is mysterious. Mysteriously competent at everything, mysteriously the perfect combination of rugged and clean-cut, mysteriously prone to losing his shirt in situations that don’t strictly require shirt loss. Exemplary Man is good with children and also good at bashing in faces. But not children’s faces, because Exemplary Man would Never Hurt A Child (Or Woman) (Unless the woman was somehow mysteriously not interested in his being shirtless and continued trying to kill him).

The Rebel is your next necessary element. The Rebel is the guy (almost always a guy unless the movie is being brave and suggesting lesbian undertones), in fact the only person in the whole movie, who is realistically annoyed by Exemplary Man’s competence. Secondary to “Save The Lives Of Everyone Ever (And Convince Kids To Respect Their Parents)” is Exemplary Man’s mission of “Tame The Rebel”. He will tame him in the beginning, lose him in a fiery ball of sarcasm and obvious lack of self-preservation instincts (I mean, who goes against the orders of a guy called Exemplary Man, really?) and then tame him again in an impressive display of bulging biceps. But usually he dies anyways, and all the people who were unbelievably annoyed with him for the whole movie are then unrealistically sad about it. Exemplary Man will then have to make a motivational speech, which is yet another thing he is ridiculously competent at.

Exemplary Man’s Girl is also crucial to the plot. She usually starts out at the Rebel’s Girl, or has a past with Exemplary Man, or sometimes both. Exemplary Man’s Girl is competent, but not too competent, because Exemplary Man is the Most Competent Person Ever, and he has to save her life, personally and in a way that involves physical contact at least once. Since they are both (presumably) intelligent enough to understand that saving the lives of everyone is more important than a hands-on comparison of their unbelievably cut abdominal muscles, Exemplary Man does not get His Girl until the end of the movie, usually with a wink-wink nudge-nudge/disgustingly saccharine conversation in the back of an ambulance which they are both flexing for. (And also usually getting stitches. In an ambulance.)

Just as important, though usually overlooked, is the Beta Couple. They are always a couple, even if it is never implicitly stated, and they are so far below Exemplary Man and His Girl in competence that they’re practically normal people. Since it’s a movie, however, and all this time has to be spent sitting next to Exemplary Man, their ordinary levels of competence makes them seem about as competent as those idiots in infomercials who are doing things without the super-useful time-saving four-easy-payments-of-$13.33 product. (What do you mean, I can’t put my electric juicer in the dishwasher? Can so.)

Beta Couple consists of Cowardly-Boy and Girl-Who-Screams. They will get somehow injured, and they will have normal responses to the unbelievable pain of their ‘are you kidding me?’ injuries, such as screaming when Exemplary Man shoves their shoulder back into socket. Exemplary Man and His Girl do not feel pain. Exemplary Man pulls arrows out of his own abdomen and then finishes the scene without a drop in level of awesome. Exemplary Man’s Girl with obtain either a) a profusely bleeding wound or b) a head injury, and will not betray a hint of dizziness or nausea. Exemplary Man will look up from bandaging up his own mysteriously muscular intestines and ask her in between hyper-masculine grunts of pain (that sound like sex) if she is okay. She always is.

Together, Beta Couple make up one whole character. That is, together they achieve a level of competence that makes them marginally useful to Exemplary Man. He would save their lives anyways, because he is Exemplary Man and they are his Beta Couple, but usually in a surprise!twist one or both of them ends up pulling their heads out of their asses for the climactic end scene and providing a direct assist in Saving The Lives Of Everyone Ever. One of them may die, and in response the other one’s face takes on a look of razor sharp purpose indicating that they are, one day, destined to become Exemplary themselves. Exemplary Man’s past is mysterious but you have to assume he became Exemplary in much the same way.

Beta Couple are Everyman. They have enough common sense to know that they’re probably going to die, seeing as their names are not Exemplary Man and Exemplary Man’s Girl. They realize that the world is ending and they have what I would classify as a ‘normal human response’ to the fact. They panic. They cry. They make Exemplary Man look good. And in return he saves their lives and inspires them to be better people.

And by that, he means more like him.

Extreme Makeover: Home Edition

In all honesty, I don’t know why I like this show. I hate every little aspect of it, from Ty Pennington himself to the incessant crying to the “true American heroes” they’re helping – why are all kids with cancer such “true inspirations”? Where are the whiny, bratty carcinogenic children who bitch all the time about how they have cancer and shit? You can’t tell me there aren’t any. Cancer sucks even when you're a grown-up, and it isn't fair, and I feel like all the adults are putting pressure on the kids to be inspirational instead of being themselves.

And yet, when this show is put together, somehow it becomes more addictive than crack. It is crack. I want to kill Ty Pennington. Kill.

30 Days

See, this is totally respectable. This show is amazing, intellectually stimulating and socially relevant. Also, as a Morgan Spurlock-related weight loss tip, whenever I want to go on a diet but can’t bring myself to do it, I watch Supersize Me. Seriously. The “I-never-wanna-eat-again” lasts for like a week. It’s a great motivational tool.

Biography

Part of my master plan to know something about everything and everyone.

Private Practice

This is merely shameless desperation known as, “Just keep talking to me, Kate Walsh.” I also have her car commercial favorited on YouTube (link). The lady is just sexy. The show isn’t bad. I think. I don’t think you can count me drooling for 45+ minutes as really ‘watching’.

Gaytown

I haven’t watched this yet. My thought process went like this: “They don’t have the L Word. This sucks. Do they have anything gay? Oh, that looks promising. *click*”

Grey’s Anatomy

I watched the first season like a meth-addicted monkey. Then I went to a little rehab place called “I no longer have the time, energy, or money to watch cable.” And then Callie Torres became a lesbian. The hallelujah chorus was sung. And I was once again losing weight and teeth, glued to the screen, shrieking like a toddler at random intervals.

Guiding Light

One word: Otalia. Which used to be two, even three words, and was shaved down one, presumably to save me time, because saying ‘Olivia and Natalia’ is just a mouthful. I’m not going to bitch about recent plot lines one bit at all here. It doesn’t deserve my time and attention. I have better things to talk about.

*cries*

Great Museums

Because, well, I like museums. And I like visiting museums, even though I can’t right now. So I watch a show so as to see inside museums (without paying admission FTW) and to watch other people visiting museums, which eases my stifled psyche somewhat, the way watching competitive eaters makes me not miss eating hot dogs so much.

Gourmet’s Diary of a Foodie

I am a foodie, actually. I have been known to plan road trips around restaurants. I visited New Mexico and gained 10lbs. True story. Chile rellenos are seriously the best thing ever invented. Unless you care about your figure. Because then they're satantic.

Ice Road Truckers

This show is great. Awkward people making awkward conversation and almost dying on a near-daily basis. And they make a shit ton of money. And sometimes there are caribou. I love me some caribou.

In Plain Sight

I’ve been watching this show since the first episode. My mother says the main character reminds her of me. Which I find disturbing, because I think she’s really hot and would very, very gladly sell my soul to her. I once plotted to enter WitSec so I could meet her, but was helpfully reminded that Mary was not really a US Marshall. I tried to stalk her when I was in Albuquerque but failed in a miserable fashion.

John Doe

I loved this show for the whole one season it was on. I hated that they cancelled it. I will be rewatching the whole thing very soon.

Bones

Dude, if you’re smart you like this show. I have a little too much in common with Bones and the rest of the squints for my liking, though. I don’t really need Booth over my shoulder reminding me that I’m socially awkward and need to get out more.

Busted on the Job: Caught On Tape

…I also watch COPS.

Cleopatra 2525

Victoria. Pratt. Nuff said.

But, also, Gina Torres. Basically it’s just a yummy show.

Lie To Me

I’m told I need to watch this show. I haven’t yet but I need to remember to.

Cool Tools

Basically, I love the DIY network. It’s exactly my kind of functionally nerdy and slightly OCD.

The Tick

Liz Vassey. As Captain Liberty. Also, my liking of camp humor is well known. Very well known.

Dog Whisperer

I want to work for Cesar Milan. That’s my dream job. I have no qualifications and I don’t even agree with all of his methods, but I want to be, like, his junior assistant dog walker/flea comber. It’s an interesting desire even I don’t comprehend.

Warehouse 13

I’m trying to watch this show. It’s good, but I just can’t seem to keep up with it.

Web Therapy

Like Lie To Me, it’s in the lineup because someone recommended it to me, and I need to remember to watch it.

Wildfire

It’s a hot girl on a horse. I watched the first season when it came out and that’s pretty much what I got out of it. A memorable joke, though, is when she gets a job at a diner and her boss, upon finding out she was in prison, nicknames her ‘Jailbait’ and she spends a good amount of time trying to explain that he means ‘Jailbird’ before giving up and tying on the apron.

The Facts of Life

Jo/Blair is such a canon pairing. Go watch, and then try to argue. They are TRUE LOVE.

Original American Gladiators

Oh, the days before people made grumbly noises that sounded like ‘steroids’ and ‘body dysmorphic disorder’. The days when women were manlier than men and jumped around bashing into each other and walls in an inherently lesbian fashion.

They were, indeed, the days.

Worlds Apart

It’s like 30 Days but not.

Wrecked

Haven’t watched it yet, but it sounds awesome in a Time-Warp-meets-World’s-Wildest-Police-Videos sort of way.